1.5 months on T – blog post

Somedays I regret my decision. It’s selfish. It’s difficult on other people. My work, my family, my friends. Transitioning from female to male is a huge life changing decision to everyone who has came into and will come into my life.

But then I think, where does my comfort begin? Where does my mental health and physical happiness play a part? 

Why must I continue to sacrifice my sanity and happiness to make others comfortable?

Where does this regret truly come from? The need to please others? To want acceptance and love from all those around me? The strangers who don’t understand? 

Right, because the people who don’t understand the crippling feeling of being called miss and ma’am, young lady, such a pretty GIRL are important *cue eye roll*. But at some point when you want to kick, scream, cry, or worse, self-harm—because you can’t been seen as you see yourself—you’ve got to reevaluate your priorities and where they lie. 

I’ve heard a few questions/comments over the years and in the comment sections on Facebook and I decided to respond to a few of my “favorite” ones.

“But I’ve known you since {insert random time}.” I don’t care if you gave birth to me. If you love/respect me then you should respect me as a man and be my friend/family/ally and help me through this or leave. The door will always be open if you decide to change your mind because I won’t. This is me, authentically. Every aspect of my life and our relationship is the same, the only difference is that the physical vessel that you’ve grown accustomed to is changing. But my thoughts are my own. All me, all the time.

“You never acted like you’ve wanted to be this way.” In what way should I have acted? Completely refusing my parents when they dressed me? No, I would have received a firm spanking to my backside. I disobeyed, yes of course no child is perfect. But I would never lash out when I didn’t feel right in a dress or skirt. My parents allowed me to be the ‘tomboy’ I wanted to be when outside of photos and certain dressing up events—which were far and few between. And some days I didn’t mind. It never crossed my mind how uncomfortable I would be until I was in my 20s and rediscovering myself.

“I’m not calling you … That’s not your name to me. You are ,,, and you always will be.” No, just no. Again there is the door. I was ,,, but that was when I perceived myself to be something I now know I’m not. My name is … please respect that.

“Just because you were a masculine lesbian doesn’t mean you need to become a guy.” I’m not becoming myself because I was a ‘masculine lesbian’. There are plenty of lesbians who are just that. Lesbians. I am not a woman. I thought I was because that’s what I was told. I am a man, a man who likes women. I’m becoming myself so that I can smile a real smile when I’m talking and laughing with my friends/family/random strangers. So that I can look in the mirror and be happy with what I see. To physically see the man I’ve dreamed of seeing.

“You don’t have surgeries/name change.” The surgeries I have or haven’t had are of no concern to you, remember that. And my name change is expensive(contributions are welcome if you are so concerned with it). And since becoming accustomed to something outside of what you’ve known for 20+ years takes time, start getting used to it now. Because you will get corrected, cussed out, and/or cut off once it is changed.

“How do you know this isn’t a phase? What if you regret this later?” And if I do? Then that is my decision as well and you will respect that as well. I’ve known I wanted to be seen as one of the guys since I was a kid. I once wanted to be a firefighter, a cop, a doctor, a nurse, a lawyer, a judge. I wanted to be a teacher, or a writer(did that). Hell, once I wanted to be a dog cause they didn’t do anything all day and a pony, just cause they looked fun. But all the while imagining these things, I pictured myself male. I was Mr …. I was the male cop, the male doctor, or the male prisoner. I was a male, I didn’t think much into it because I was a kid, and I was a ‘tomboy’. To me being a ‘masculine lesbian’ was the closest I could get to being male because I was subjected to my own ignorance, intolerance, and just plain blind eye of the other individuals in my own LGBTQIA* community. 

“Well what about God/other religious deity?” I’m not religious. I never truly was. My parents went to church sporadically, sometimes with us sometimes without. But they never forced it down our throats. And for that I’m thankful. I do have religious friends but we generally keep religion away from our conversations. Believing they are not to judge for it isn’t their place. We’re friends and if I do not believe in your deity then I shouldn’t have it jammed down my throat if I don’t want nor care for it.

“What about the women you date?”  The woman I am with is in full support of my transition and has helped me be more open with certain phases. And if we do not work out, what I divulge to any future date is my business. Though my transition is on the internet I will not have anything to hide. 10,15,20 years from now. As the world moves toward  more accepting and progressive times, I’m sure at one point me being transgender will be nothing more than a passing conversation starter.

“What about your children? What will you tell them?” That this is something I dealt with for a long time internally before taking the steps to really become happy and mentally free. That life isn’t as black and white as what I thought it was when I was a kid and hope that if they ever want to talk about their gender or non-gender identity or expression that they may come to me and their mother for anything.

These were just a few of the main ones I see that grind my gears.

To make steps to personify the man I see in my mind and to project him to everyone so they get it, I started to realize those people I was trying to please don’t matter. Not because they can’t, don’t, or won’t understand(though it is a main reason) but because I don’t want to hide in shame, when I shouldn’t have to feel shame for wanting to be normal. That’s why I don’t regret it everyday. That’s why I keep pushing forward in my transition.

Any other questions wished to be asked or comments you’ve heard and want my personal opinion, leave it in the comments below and I’ll answer.

*because I just recently(within the last 5 years) learned what the last three letters truly mean.

  
Photo because I’m loving the prisma app.

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