Imagine

 We’re  probably watching CSI:Miami or a marathon of Criminal Minds or Storage Wars cause they stopped running the Miami marathon a few weeks ago. You’ll complain cause you hated that they cancelled the marathon of your favorite show.

I’ll have just washed the dishes and am laying at the foot of your bed. No doctors appointments. No nurse to visit. Just us and the tv.

After the umpteenth rerun you’ll notice I’m nervous. You could always read me like a book.

Your raspy voice will call to me, breaking my inner musings. I say it’s nothing and head into the kitchen to make your lunch.  

You and Spanky will follow.  He was always acting like a weird little shadow.

We’ll settle into the living room now. Criminal Minds droning on and on and you’ll watch me from your recliner while I’m sprawled out on the couch. 

I’ll try to ignore it, going and cleaning the bathroom to occupy my time and calm my nerves.

After I’ve cleaned everything I can clean and as yet another rerun starts to play I’ll finally sit back down. 

A heavy sigh that leaves my lips will draw your attention from an awkward quip Spencer says and I’ll start to tear up because I’m always extremely emotional about these kinds of things. 

You’ll ask what’s the matter and reluctantly I’ll say what’s been my mind all day,

“I’m trans.” I’ll bow my head though I feel your eyes watching me. Calm to my emotional storm brewing. 

You’ll probably laugh cause I’m being silly. 

“I know.” Because I knew you knew. I would light up when someone would call me your grandson. Smile when someone would say ‘mistake’ me for a guy. You noticed. You always noticed.

I would just nod. Why would I expect anything less?

“You’re no different now than you were before. You’re still my grand-baby. I still love you.” 

You would have known before my mom, before my dad and brothers and sisters, and cousins and friends. Because yours and my girlfriend’s reaction would have mattered the most. HURT the most.

We’ll continue to watch our marathons like this never happened. Like nothing’s changed. 

Except something did. You’ll call me Lee and when I decide my name is Andrew you’ll call me that too. 

You’ll continue to support me and encourage me.

Imagining is all I have left. I miss you and I miss your guidance. I miss your support and definitely miss your love.

I wish I would have listened to your stories more. Just listened a little more. A little longer

Rest in paradise grandma, continue to watch over me and my family.

Sunrise: Nov 3, 1943 Sunset: Jan 6, 2015

Thanksgiving 2013

4 months 9/26/16

TW seperating by ~~~

I want to start with two weeks before my four months. I FINALLY came out to my client and his wife, coincidentally right before my voice dropped again.

We(my girlfriend came along as well) went out to Great Moon Buffet for dinner and had a pretty good time. The conversation flowed and food was good.

Me and my girlfriend debated throughtout the entire afternoon about me coming out but I didn’t want to at the restaurant. So when we returned to their house to retrieve her car we went in and told them.

They were very open and accepting and everything I wanted it to be. His wife understands more than my client, him having onset dementia, and she actually asked how far along I am and what other steps would I be taking, in regards to me having to miss work or anything. 

Not much physically has happened in the last month, my face filled out and my voice went an octave or two lower. I have an appointment in two weeks and will be asking to increase my dosage. My voice did drop from my 2 month mark to my 4 month mark so I’m happy to notice that. 

My biggest wish was facial hair and I’m seeing a bit more peaking out on my chin and my upper lip, but not much. I’m taking biotin and occasionally using minoxidil. It’s not everyday because I forget but when I remember I try to do it at least once a day.

~~~

I have not received a menstrual this month like my unexpected one in Sept.(I missed the entire month of Aug.) But I did have this weird sporadic pressure on my pelvis around the time it should have visited, it is definitely something to bring up to my doc at my appointment.

My left breast is still smaller than the right and there’s not much change to them. I’m beginning to wonder if it’s not another underlying problem. Something to bring up at my appointment as well

~~~

I’ve filled out all the paperwork to have my name change filed but I will be talking with an advocate at the clinic I frequent to make sure I filled them out properly and the right ones. I would hate to not fill it out properly or fill it out and it not be the right one, causing a delay in my process.

Working out is easy! Well not really; its hardwork and with my mental stress in my life I force myself to walk the few storefronts down to the gym  and get on the treadmill then do some upper body work. But actually getting on the treadmill and running is something that I couldn’t do for more than 5 minutes without getting completely tired. Now I can go a mile in less than 15 mins and do it multiple times a day. I’m not making much progress losing weight but I can see the definition of muscle in my shoulders and legs.

Something I haven’t really done in a few months is work on my writing. I have multiple pieces, including a full length novel that I haven’t looked at in months. Moving, along with starting Testosterone, and dealing with sporadic bouts of depression, writing has been the last thing on my mind. I still have a short story I’m working on but that too has taken a backseat in my mind. I want to restart my passion. I did shortly but it’s just a here and there and nothing to officially post, not yet at least. I hope to have something by the years end. Just to give myself some time.

All in all this last month I’ve had ups and downs, but I’m making the most of it

4 months on T

PreT 

Call me

Call me

Call me Andrew, when we’ve lost contact and you see me in public.

Call me sir, when I’m next in line.

Call me Mr. Dright, when I’m at the doctors office.

Call me man when you’re shouting at me on the street.

Call me their nephew when we’re at family reunions and your introducing me to long lost family members.

Call me son when we talk on the phone and we’re saying our goodbyes and I love you’s.

Call me your brother when we’re sitting at the table. 

Call me Andrew when we’re reminiscing about Alyssa’s past.

Call me he/his when speaking about me.

Don’t call me Alyssa to be spiteful.

Don’t call me she to be hateful.

Don’t call me your sister to hurt me.

Don’t call me your niece to be rude.

Don’t call me your daughter to show me you don’t care.

Don’t call me lady/ma’am/miss to purposely remind me of my anatomy. 

But most important, Don’t call me anything if you can’t respect what I am asking.

Call me what I ask you to call me. Not what you want to call me.

This is me taking MY life back. Me taking my pronouns and reminding you what they are.

Don’t tell me how to feel. You do not know my internal hatred and fear.

Don’t let the media fool you. We are normal people. Who want normal rights. 

We are your neighbors, your mailmen, your cashier, your banker, your nurse, your doctor, you CNA, your cousin, your mother, your father,  your brother, your sister, your niece, your nephew, your grandchild, your student, your teacher, your counselor, your therapist, your friend, the person standing in line two people ahead of you. We’re open about our transition and we’re private about it too.

We’re asking for simple things. Basic human things. Compassion, love, acceptance.

We love, we hate, we cry, we fight.

We live. We breathe. We’re silent. We’re loud.

We’re humans with feelings. Respect ours and we’ll respect yours.

Coming Out

Coming Out

I came out (transman) late; I’m 24(25-July), and it was hard and easy. But then again, is telling your parents  something serious ever just easy?

They are a major part of my life, and I hate disappointing them. It was easy because they are understanding and caring, and supporting. It was hard because I was afraid that they wouldn’t accept me and my change but, I don’t think it was a shock to them when I said it. Just like they waited for me to announce my lesbianism, I think they waited for this one as well.

They weren’t the first people I told. No, that coveted spot went to my wonderful girlfriend of 2 1/2 years. She is my rock, my boulder(because when I’m down I can lean on her without us both falling), she took it in stride. And as well as any girlfriend could/should. I think she believed it was a long time coming. I thank her for that.

Next was both my two sisters and my sister-in-law (separate occasions). Easy as pie. Love and support from the beginning. Then my brothers; they’re slowly coming around. One more than the others. I have to press them; break 24 years of familiarity for the unknown, something they don’t really understand.

Next was Facebook, it started with a simple name change post; Asking if anyone didn’t like it, the delete button was always available. Luckily, most of my friends are apart of the LGBT community or very accepting in general. I’m sure a few people deleted me but I’m too happy with myself to care.

My closest family besides my parents and brothers and sisters were also accepting, most admitting they knew it was a long time coming. I’m glad. It breaks the ice, the tension that cuts me like a saw. It feels invigorating.

I think the hardest thing is trying to get people, family included, to use my new name. To correct complete strangers in on my gender pronoun. To see the looks and hear the whispers. But if the overall outcome is happiness then so be it.

I go to therapy and most importantly I talk about it, I don’t brush it aside. I’ll always be Alyssa Dright; Alyssa paved the way to the man I am today. She will always be apart of me. She is He and I am She.

I came out late; but like they say: BETTER LATE THAN NEVER!