2 months on T 7/26/16

2 months on T 7/26/16

I am two months on T and it has been a slow month. I will also be talking about my birthday this post as it was earlier in the month.

••••

I haven’t noticed many physical changes just yet aside from my stomach hair growth. I think look more and more like my father everyday though but that was to be expected. Sexual drive? Comes and goes like normal. have also started developing acne here and there. Not much different from my 1st puberty. 

Mentally I feel drained. I don’t think it’s because of the T solely, but more like everything is coming together and I somewhat feel like my life is closing in on me somedays. I feel anxiety more and more and just recently noticed that I have been completely withdrawn from my writings. I don’t even remember the last time I felt the need to work on my second novel(something that is completed but needs editing still).

My mental strain has also affected my working out. I sit at a cool 215 everyday with no loss or significant gain. I stay between the same five pounds, 215-220, everyday. I go to the gym and run on the treadmill for at least 20-30 mins twice during a four hour period at work, 3 days a week. Maybe I will schedule an appointment with my therapist and try to figure out my underlying problems. 

My family is becoming more and more supportive. My brothers and sisters all call me their baby brother now. It’s heartwarming. My mother is still coming to terms with it I think. She doesn’t call me Andrew but she does call me Lee, which was not only my nickname but also a part of my chosen name. My father, well… We’re still not talking and I doubt we have any intentions of doing so anytime soon. I did reach out and buy him something for Father’s Day last month but I never received a thank you. July 4th we were both at my brothers for fireworks and I interacted with everyone, including my mother without so much of a glance from him. My birthday a week later was without even a text. I will no longer waste time or effort on the subject, since I tried and apparently failed.

••••

My birthday was Monday July 11 and I turned 25 this year!

My birthday was a bland one. I worked 9:30am-7:30pm and scrolled through Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram all day.

But my birthday celebration started 2 days earlier on July 9, a Saturday. I went to Duluth and saw Lake Superior for the first time ever.  We hung around town, sight seeing but mostly swimming. We went to Enger Tower and the Glensheen Mansion (though we didn’t go on the tour). We ate at a pizza shop, Vitta Pizza, and watched the ships come in and out the canal. 

 🤓 
  Family portrait 

I’d also received two new binder in the mail on Friday July 8, one fits perfectly fine. The other, not so much. Which is weird because they’re both the same size and style binder, just different colors.

As I reached 25 I started to think more about my life transition-wise, I’m going to work on changing my name and coming out to my job and my clients(which should have happened months ago). I work for a small company as a PCA and though my client and his wife are extremely accepting I can’t help but to think of his mental health and mine. As I’m on T longer and longer dysphoria about being referred to as female kicks in, which is weird cause I’ve never had it before. My client has dementia and I would hate to confuse him more. They’re like my second family.

I’ve also been looking into my health insurance and making sure my top surgery will be even partially covered. I have state insurance and I know transistion related care is covered under the law but will they really follow the rules applied or will my gender identity still be scrutinized like many of my other trans and non-binary folx?

••••

The day after my birthday July 12 I went to a checkup, I wasn’t able to see my regular doc but the one I saw was a great woman. She upped my dose. I’m now .2 instead of .1 weekly. I’m happy about that. Hopefully I’ll start seeing changes between now and my next appointment in October. I’ll be 4 1/2 months on T by then. I have yet to see where my T levels are and I will be calling my clinic and seeing if I will be receiving those results online. 

As stated I’m working on changing my name, but mostly it’s getting the proper paperwork set up. I’ve heard in a few groups here and there that changing your name could possibly mess up your voting status cause of how long everything takes to get through the systems so I’ll be holding off until after Election Day.

I’ll be six months by then and will also be setting up appointments for consultations with doctors for top surgery both in and out of network. I want to have price ranges and after me and my partner debate on whether we’re staying in our place I want to start saving.

Hopefully my first choice, because of location, is in network. They’re a part of the queer community and I’ve heard/seen exceptional work on quite a few folx, plus I hear the staff is phenomenal. Not to mention they are right over the river at the UofM in Minneapolis. 

If not them, then there are a few other doctors I want to look into that I know will be out of network but are nothing but a few hours by car or train.

All in all my second month was dull aside from my birthday and starting to look at my writings again. As always I look forward to the changes to come.

2months 1week on T; full body shot.
2 months

1.5 months on T – blog post

Somedays I regret my decision. It’s selfish. It’s difficult on other people. My work, my family, my friends. Transitioning from female to male is a huge life changing decision to everyone who has came into and will come into my life.

But then I think, where does my comfort begin? Where does my mental health and physical happiness play a part? 

Why must I continue to sacrifice my sanity and happiness to make others comfortable?

Where does this regret truly come from? The need to please others? To want acceptance and love from all those around me? The strangers who don’t understand? 

Right, because the people who don’t understand the crippling feeling of being called miss and ma’am, young lady, such a pretty GIRL are important *cue eye roll*. But at some point when you want to kick, scream, cry, or worse, self-harm—because you can’t been seen as you see yourself—you’ve got to reevaluate your priorities and where they lie. 

I’ve heard a few questions/comments over the years and in the comment sections on Facebook and I decided to respond to a few of my “favorite” ones.

“But I’ve known you since {insert random time}.” I don’t care if you gave birth to me. If you love/respect me then you should respect me as a man and be my friend/family/ally and help me through this or leave. The door will always be open if you decide to change your mind because I won’t. This is me, authentically. Every aspect of my life and our relationship is the same, the only difference is that the physical vessel that you’ve grown accustomed to is changing. But my thoughts are my own. All me, all the time.

“You never acted like you’ve wanted to be this way.” In what way should I have acted? Completely refusing my parents when they dressed me? No, I would have received a firm spanking to my backside. I disobeyed, yes of course no child is perfect. But I would never lash out when I didn’t feel right in a dress or skirt. My parents allowed me to be the ‘tomboy’ I wanted to be when outside of photos and certain dressing up events—which were far and few between. And some days I didn’t mind. It never crossed my mind how uncomfortable I would be until I was in my 20s and rediscovering myself.

“I’m not calling you … That’s not your name to me. You are ,,, and you always will be.” No, just no. Again there is the door. I was ,,, but that was when I perceived myself to be something I now know I’m not. My name is … please respect that.

“Just because you were a masculine lesbian doesn’t mean you need to become a guy.” I’m not becoming myself because I was a ‘masculine lesbian’. There are plenty of lesbians who are just that. Lesbians. I am not a woman. I thought I was because that’s what I was told. I am a man, a man who likes women. I’m becoming myself so that I can smile a real smile when I’m talking and laughing with my friends/family/random strangers. So that I can look in the mirror and be happy with what I see. To physically see the man I’ve dreamed of seeing.

“You don’t have surgeries/name change.” The surgeries I have or haven’t had are of no concern to you, remember that. And my name change is expensive(contributions are welcome if you are so concerned with it). And since becoming accustomed to something outside of what you’ve known for 20+ years takes time, start getting used to it now. Because you will get corrected, cussed out, and/or cut off once it is changed.

“How do you know this isn’t a phase? What if you regret this later?” And if I do? Then that is my decision as well and you will respect that as well. I’ve known I wanted to be seen as one of the guys since I was a kid. I once wanted to be a firefighter, a cop, a doctor, a nurse, a lawyer, a judge. I wanted to be a teacher, or a writer(did that). Hell, once I wanted to be a dog cause they didn’t do anything all day and a pony, just cause they looked fun. But all the while imagining these things, I pictured myself male. I was Mr …. I was the male cop, the male doctor, or the male prisoner. I was a male, I didn’t think much into it because I was a kid, and I was a ‘tomboy’. To me being a ‘masculine lesbian’ was the closest I could get to being male because I was subjected to my own ignorance, intolerance, and just plain blind eye of the other individuals in my own LGBTQIA* community. 

“Well what about God/other religious deity?” I’m not religious. I never truly was. My parents went to church sporadically, sometimes with us sometimes without. But they never forced it down our throats. And for that I’m thankful. I do have religious friends but we generally keep religion away from our conversations. Believing they are not to judge for it isn’t their place. We’re friends and if I do not believe in your deity then I shouldn’t have it jammed down my throat if I don’t want nor care for it.

“What about the women you date?”  The woman I am with is in full support of my transition and has helped me be more open with certain phases. And if we do not work out, what I divulge to any future date is my business. Though my transition is on the internet I will not have anything to hide. 10,15,20 years from now. As the world moves toward  more accepting and progressive times, I’m sure at one point me being transgender will be nothing more than a passing conversation starter.

“What about your children? What will you tell them?” That this is something I dealt with for a long time internally before taking the steps to really become happy and mentally free. That life isn’t as black and white as what I thought it was when I was a kid and hope that if they ever want to talk about their gender or non-gender identity or expression that they may come to me and their mother for anything.

These were just a few of the main ones I see that grind my gears.

To make steps to personify the man I see in my mind and to project him to everyone so they get it, I started to realize those people I was trying to please don’t matter. Not because they can’t, don’t, or won’t understand(though it is a main reason) but because I don’t want to hide in shame, when I shouldn’t have to feel shame for wanting to be normal. That’s why I don’t regret it everyday. That’s why I keep pushing forward in my transition.

Any other questions wished to be asked or comments you’ve heard and want my personal opinion, leave it in the comments below and I’ll answer.

*because I just recently(within the last 5 years) learned what the last three letters truly mean.

  
Photo because I’m loving the prisma app.

Month 1 6/26/16

Pretty big day over the weekend. Not only was it the Minneapolis Pride festival, it was also my one month on Manniversary.

Updates:

No changes physically, at least my girlfriend hasn’t noticed anything. And I look in the mirror daily so I wouldn’t notice much.

I’ve had a sore throat since Friday 6/24/16, after my 3rd shot. I now also start weekly shots henceforth. I’m still afraid of the needle even though I know it doesn’t hurt. I also realized I can’t get shots from my girlfriend like I thought I would be able to. It just hurts too much. I realized this after my second shot, I tensed real bad and reacted negatively to her shooting me and had to be stuck twice.

Mentally I’m exhausted. I’m waiting on results and it’s making my anxiety and depression flare up, not to the point of crippling me again but it makes me check every mirror, to search for changes. I just want to look like how I dream of looking.

My depression that I’ve been battling has shifted from not knowing when I would get approved for T to more what is next. Name change? Top surgery? Bottom? I have no idea where I want to begin because money is tight.

I’m a bit more lethargic when it comes to waking up in the morning and it almost takes me a full 20 minutes to get out of bed on the weekends. I don’t usually take a nap because I work all day during the week and sleep in late on the weekends. Since starting T, taking a nap sounds more and more appealing.

I started a diet to help lose a little weight, it’s not much but it’s a start. I’m on a low calorie diet, 1500 a day which is hard for me since I’m so used to eating what I want when I want. I don’t snack throughout the day and night, except when I’m low in calories for the day. Then I’ll eat something high in protein like some nuts or boiled chicken or some fruit if I have any.

I’m not as active as I’m trying to be — I ride a bike to work, 2.2 miles both ways. — But I have also added a light home workout until I can get another gym membership at the gym two doors down from where I work.

All in all my first month has been a bit of a dull one. Just adjusting to the hormonal change and waiting for possible changes. 

  1 month, couple days on T   
Final Pre-T photo 

 
  

Self-medicating

Self medicating is battling temptation everyday of the week. You just want to take your next shot as soon as you can.

I take my shot Thursday’s. And for the first month I have to take it every two weeks. My doctor wants to make sure I’m not allergic to it. Then I can go every week there after. It sucks that I can’t do every week yet. I want to. I stare at the box all my medicine and needles are locked in and say, “what’s stopping me from doing it weekly?” Because my doctor said so? What would she know? She wouldn’t.

But I would. And would I really be able to live with myself knowing that I disobeyed her direct order of my safety just to try and receive faster results?

The answer: No, not at all.

So here I am waiting four more days til my second shot.

Oh the joys of self-medicating.

Week 1

Week 1

Today I am one week on testosterone. Nothing has changed except it seems I’m a bit more irritable than normal. My appetite has also changed. I’m not super hungry, no more than normal at least but it’s harder to ignore. And I have the same energy as normal. I am a tired a lot more but I push through, I have to work five days a week nearly ten hour shifts, so I can’t allow sluggishness to weigh me down.

I have five weeks til my next appointment to have my dose upped from the small amount I’m on. By then I will also be weekly instead of bi-weekly. Hopefully that will get rid of the irritability I’m having.

I’m working on changing my name and gender marker. My trans advocate says I don’t need to change my birth certificate just yet to have a different gender marker, since Illinois states you must have some form of gender reassignment surgery before they will consider changing it.

I am getting closer to setting up a consultation with my chosen top surgeon, if she is still available. One of her requirements is that you must live as your gender for a year or longer, which is fine with me because I plan on moving to a cheaper apartment or house to save more money and be able to take the allotted time off without worrying about bills.

Hopefully I can get everything straigtened out within the next few weeks.

Until next time. 

Day 1 5/26/16

I decided I couldn’t handle the anticipation and caved. My shot days are now every Thursday for two weeks and then weekly after this first month but I might switch it to Friday’s once I’m weekly. I’m not expecting any miracle grow, being on .1mL at the moment because my Doctor just wants to make sure I’m not having any kind of reaction to the cottonseed oil(which is understandable), but I feel whole and complete. I’m guessing it’s a mentality thing, like finally being to a point in your journey where you are going to actually start seeing results. 

My final photo being  preT. Photos will be monthly unless there is any real significant change to my face. I did a full body one but it wasn’t naked or anything because I hate being in a state of undress unless I’m showering. I might do one later but I’ll never have that preT one again(cue fake tears)

So in summary, every month on the 26th(June 26th being the twin cities pride parade) will be a new month. A new photo. And hopefully a new change.

 

First Shot

First Shot

I got my prescription for testosterone and I pick it up from the pharmacy on Thursday. 

I am somewhat excited and nervous. I’ve been waiting for this day for weeks and now that it’s here I just want to get it over with. Experience the change, become more myself.

Can’t wait for Thursday, though I do think I’ll begin shooting on Friday evening to do my shot so I have the weekend to recuperate after the shot.